Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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