Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
