I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
