Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
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