gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
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Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
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I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?