Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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