a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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