I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
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