Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
