we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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