If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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