Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
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my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
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You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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