Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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