I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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