How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
just come out here and I will go home with you...
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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