I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
