you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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