Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
