Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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