tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
