imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
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I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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