just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
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Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
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I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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