trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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