they need to just BURY HIM!
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
