I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
