I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I need water and some morals
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
