I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
