So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
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if we break up, who will get the dealer?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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