Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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