she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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