I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
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if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
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I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
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