I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
