I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
