i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
