Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
