I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
