So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
