38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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