You smell like a Billy Joel song
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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