he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
