He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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