Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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