just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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