I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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