Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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