Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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