I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
