Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
My balls are so social today.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
