is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
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You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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