so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
That was an excessively violent trivia night
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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