I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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