u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
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