Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
