i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
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Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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