My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
They took my balls.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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