Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
