The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
