I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
